Inside and Out: This is me. Whatever.

I am relentlessly trying to write about anything or everything but I feel like nothing is going on in my life worthy enough writing about. The only things that I have been thinking about are questions, questions that even until now, I feel are unanswered. Maybe I am just depressed or something, I don't really know. But I can feel it, the emptiness, the sadness, that certain feeling that makes your heart feel crushed slowly. I don't know why I feel this way, to me, I am happy. I have a wonderful man beside me, beautiful kids and a contented life, but I still don't know where it is coming from. I thought that maybe something is wrong with me. I don't know if anyone feels the way like I do, and I can't really tell anyway. I have these thoughts that I somehow cannot express without the fear of being dismissed or not listened to. When I start to tell my partner about things like these, my throat feels clogged up and my eyes just start to swell. I don't want him to see me cry, I don't want him to think I am crazy either for thinking about things. Maybe he just doesn't understand, that's what I keep telling myself. I am insecure to a point that I am ashamed of it myself and I think that maybe he doesn't understand that this is just for me, myself, my own vanity. And then there are those issues, about us also. We are happy, I know that. But I keep asking myself, am I happy like this? Feeling like this, like I'm lost or something. It just seems that we keep going over and over again about the same things but nothing really happens with it. We talk and communicate but it seems to be just that and nothing gets through. What is wrong with me? Or us? I just can't get it you know. Why is it so different? I don't like feeling like this and I am sure that no one else would want to, but it's almost like a drug that feels good at the same time feels bad. Maybe I'm just jealous of everything or everyone else. Maybe it's because of the way he treats others and I somehow feel neglected or betrayed or unimportant. He does have listening issues or attentive issues, I can't even get the term right. I don't know if maybe that makes me jealous especially when we are in a place with other people and I try talking to him and he doesn't hear me, it feels like a smack in the head and it hurts. Also maybe cause he pays some kind of, maybe unconsciously pays attention to even just a slight detail of words or activity by someone else who didn't even pertain to him directly, I just boil on that. Maybe I am just selfish, I just want him to be all mine in every way, every aspect of everything (that just sounded crazy to me), but that is how I feel. I want him to share his thoughts to me, I want him to be excited to tell me something, whatever, ask me my opinion on whatever that goes through his head. Maybe it's just because we spend almost 24/7 without a meter's distance apart from each other that he doesn't get a chance to do what I had wanted him to do since we are never apart, nothing makes him excited to see me anymore. Are we this predictable? That we need to talk with other people and not each other? Maybe we are, and it hurts me. I am sure it doesn't hurt him at all. He doesn't have the slightest idea what it means to me, he just thinks that this is some sort of a momentary dysfunction in my brain. I am very sensitive and I don't know if he understands how much. Maybe he knows that I'm emotional but prefers not to care, I don't know. Communicating with him and expressing how I feel would be hopeless cause he doesn't understand, and talking with his best friend also made it difficult for us and now we don't talk, she was the closest thing I had to seeing a side of him, different from what I see in him. She recalled the way she remembered him and he seemed so different. Maybe that's what is making me jealous. He speaks his mind to her, he tells her everything. But I wouldn't be able to compare that with us because now that we are together, there is less or even nothing more to say. There is no one that I can clearly and definitely talk to about certain things.

I have friends, but I feel that something is still missing. I want to communicate in a way that someone understands, not just the words that are coming out of my mouth, but the thought and emotions that go with it. I want to cry and shout and just jump into the sea or stand in the pouring rain so that no one will notice the tears that fall down my face. Is there something wrong with me?